Every day it gets closer. It's still many months away but closer than its ever been before. I have always said that I am 23 forever and believed it too. But now that 30 is getting near it feels like I went from 23 straight to 30 with no notice. I am officially freaking out. Moody-like chick moody. Like depressed and irrational and I think on the verge of another mid-life crisis (derby was my first). My desire to visit bars and go out on the town is a sure sign of crisis. Normally I am a home body happy as long as I have munchies and cable. I think in my brain thinks that if I go out and baout and do things then I am still young. And maybe it'll keep me from remembering that I am almost 30 and I have not met any of the goals I set for my life. That I am unemployed (yes I am going to school full time) and when I was employed it was not a career it was a job. It'll keep me from thinking about the very real possibility that my relationship will never get any better. That I will continue to be upset about the same things over and over because he simply will never change and I simply will never come before his own thoughts in his mind. That he will never ask me to marry him. That I can attribute many bad decisions in my life to him. My 5 year anniversary is tomorrow and guys are notoriously bad at remembering these things but c'mon-April Fools Day is the easiest day ever to remember. He has the kids tomorrow, I can handle that. His friend and her daughter are coming over tomorrow for dinner too. That I really can't handle. At this point I feel they have him more than I do. The really bad thing is the more it happens the more I don't care...and not in a good way.
In the way of the world when one part of life crashes another does well. Practice was rad last night. I was back to jokey havin fun time. In other news I have made it 10 days without a cigarette. Well 9 full days. Typing this has really made me want one and I will be helping Mz. V with an english paper in a couple hours and she smokes...so we will see if I can hold out.