Tuesday, March 31, 2009

the freak out

Every day it gets closer. It's still many months away but closer than its ever been before. I have always said that I am 23 forever and believed it too. But now that 30 is getting near it feels like I went from 23 straight to 30 with no notice. I am officially freaking out. Moody-like chick moody. Like depressed and irrational and I think on the verge of another mid-life crisis (derby was my first). My desire to visit bars and go out on the town is a sure sign of crisis. Normally I am a home body happy as long as I have munchies and cable. I think in my brain thinks that if I go out and baout and do things then I am still young. And maybe it'll keep me from remembering that I am almost 30 and I have not met any of the goals I set for my life. That I am unemployed (yes I am going to school full time) and when I was employed it was not a career it was a job. It'll keep me from thinking about the very real possibility that my relationship will never get any better. That I will continue to be upset about the same things over and over because he simply will never change and I simply will never come before his own thoughts in his mind. That he will never ask me to marry him. That I can attribute many bad decisions in my life to him. My 5 year anniversary is tomorrow and guys are notoriously bad at remembering these things but c'mon-April Fools Day is the easiest day ever to remember. He has the kids tomorrow, I can handle that. His friend and her daughter are coming over tomorrow for dinner too. That I really can't handle. At this point I feel they have him more than I do. The really bad thing is the more it happens the more I don't care...and not in a good way.
In the way of the world when one part of life crashes another does well. Practice was rad last night. I was back to jokey havin fun time. In other news I have made it 10 days without a cigarette. Well 9 full days. Typing this has really made me want one and I will be helping Mz. V with an english paper in a couple hours and she smokes...so we will see if I can hold out.


Ginamonster said...

30 caused a mini crisis. By 31, I was over it.

I haven't done much of what I said I was going to do by the time I was my age. I was supposed to have built a relaxation destination. I was supposed to have been retired. I still haven't left the glorious confines of the US of A. Tijuana just doesn't count.

As for the rest, well, it looks like you'll be spending your anniversary with your wife instead!! Ok. That isn't consolation.

I know you know I see what you do. And it makes me a very sad panda.

Sara said...

Member how I was supposed to be this national best seller novelist rich person with no attachments that travelled the entire world and partied and was up late to sleep in late? I'm still working on it.
Good things take hard work and time and while the work doesn't bother me that waiting around shit really isn't my bag, but nothing is final until death.

And even then, I'm sure God negotiates.

Cheer up, love, I can come visit this weekend if you want, but I'd have to bring the attachments.