Tuesday, March 31, 2009

the freak out

Every day it gets closer. It's still many months away but closer than its ever been before. I have always said that I am 23 forever and believed it too. But now that 30 is getting near it feels like I went from 23 straight to 30 with no notice. I am officially freaking out. Moody-like chick moody. Like depressed and irrational and I think on the verge of another mid-life crisis (derby was my first). My desire to visit bars and go out on the town is a sure sign of crisis. Normally I am a home body happy as long as I have munchies and cable. I think in my brain thinks that if I go out and baout and do things then I am still young. And maybe it'll keep me from remembering that I am almost 30 and I have not met any of the goals I set for my life. That I am unemployed (yes I am going to school full time) and when I was employed it was not a career it was a job. It'll keep me from thinking about the very real possibility that my relationship will never get any better. That I will continue to be upset about the same things over and over because he simply will never change and I simply will never come before his own thoughts in his mind. That he will never ask me to marry him. That I can attribute many bad decisions in my life to him. My 5 year anniversary is tomorrow and guys are notoriously bad at remembering these things but c'mon-April Fools Day is the easiest day ever to remember. He has the kids tomorrow, I can handle that. His friend and her daughter are coming over tomorrow for dinner too. That I really can't handle. At this point I feel they have him more than I do. The really bad thing is the more it happens the more I don't care...and not in a good way.
In the way of the world when one part of life crashes another does well. Practice was rad last night. I was back to jokey havin fun time. In other news I have made it 10 days without a cigarette. Well 9 full days. Typing this has really made me want one and I will be helping Mz. V with an english paper in a couple hours and she smokes...so we will see if I can hold out.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


I have been retreating inward lately. When I say inward I mean the couch. Its a really comfortable couch, very inviting. My favorite pillow has joined me. Its become my safe haven.
My brain is fried. My Spring break has not been a break. I have been doing homework like its a full time job. When I am not doing homework I have been trying to hide from all things derby. Derby -the one thing that used to bring me immense joy is now the bane of my current existence. Its funny how quickly things change. Just a few weeks ago I went on the best road trip ever with 3 fellow rrg's to LA to skate on the Derby Dolls track. It was EPIC! Not just the skating-which was rad and the picking their brains-which was radder-but the whole road trip. 16 hours in a car with 3 chicks and we got along the WHOLE TIME. Amazing. We told stories, played games, bought team beef bowl sweat pants and some random gas station on the way back. Ate way too much junk food, drank too man energy drinks and loved every minute of it. Seriously it was the best most needed time. I even got to see my brother and his son (so freaking adorable!) Jack West. He is gonna be a movie star some day-I have no doubt of this.
As I dropped off the last girl reality set in and the panic of homework that needed to be done and derby crap that needed to be done set in. But it was all quite manageable. The next bout came up so quickly I didn't even have the normal freak out time for it. Of course as this was bout number 6 maybe I am just getting used to it all. Anyway bout number 6 was GREAT. I didn't feel all bitter like I did at the last bout. I didn't let bad juju get to me. My team stayed positive and had a great time. Terri and her ENTIRE family came down to see it along with Sara and Kera and Thomas and Patricks mom. It was a super great feeling to have all those people supporting me. I had an entire row of fans! WooHoo. It was also the best crowd we have ever had. All seats filled and people standing all over the place. AWESOME. At half time I really thought the Dolls were gonna over take us but the Mollies wound up winning. I thought we all had a great time. I guess I was in such a good place that I didn't notice the other team wasn't in the same happy place. I can understand being upset at a loss. I cannot understand not looking to yourself to see where the problem lies but instead attacking the other team and telling them someone needs to leave. That someone being me. I am tired off being attacked. I am tired of spending all of my free time on derby just to be argued with for every decision that is made. I am tired of people not getting involved and then bitching because they were not told. Like its a secret club. Secret club of the door mats. All of this has caused me to retreat. I am not stalking my email accounts like usual or answering my phone on the first ring or even responding to messenger. I don't have it in me to even pretend to be a person right now. I am abandoning homework as of this moment so that I can pay attention to a neglected friend. The television. The television does not ask anything of me. Lets me choose what I want to watch, even lets me pause mid sentence so I can get a snackie or pee! TV also does not require me to leave the house. I had to leave to feed Jackie's kids yesterday and I didn't even bother to put on shoes. Just left in my socks. I don't even have the energy or desire to wear shoes! Today when I had to leave the house (to check the rrg po box) i put on patricks flip flops because they only required minimal effort on my part but it did take me a good minute of thought to not leave bare footed. Oh I did manage to put on jeans for my jaunt to the po box but otherwise I was still in my jammies. If left to my own devices I would prolly just stay here and not make contact with anyone. So its a really good thing my wife is checking in on me. She knows me. A day goes by without contact and something is definitely up. Which it was and while I don't want to talk about it, with her it all comes pouring out. She understands cause shes is stuck on BOD of doom too. Thank God.
Did I mention I have the plague too? Yes, just when you think you've hit rock bottom the rock crumbles.
In other news I am super happy to be going to SF to support Mz V this weekend. Shes a superstar and I am so proud of her! And hopefully Sunday I will get to see the wife and her mom. A nice weekend something to look forward to. But that means I will have to leave the couch. Maybe I will be Lucas and take a cushion with me. Then I can be AJ and glue quarters to the floor. I have always wanted to do that. Jackie has an extra coffee table...hmmmmmm.